Friday, May 13, 2011

Quick Hitters Vol. 1

I have noticed my last few entries have been as depressing as hell, so I'm going to try and lighten the mood a bit on this one with a few random things I've noticed over the past few weeks. I'm going to call it “quick hitters” because the stories will hopefully be short and sweet. I think we both know that won't be the case, so you may as well settle in for the long haul here. Without much further ado, here we go with the first installment of quick hitters.

“Icing”

The cultural phenomenon of “icing” might be the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard of in my entire life. In case you're unaware of what it is, “icing” is when someone is handed a Smirnoff Ice alcoholic beverage and as per the social norm, said person must get down on one knee and chug the entire bottle of sugary awfulness. I'm told in some circumstances a salute of some kind must be made while getting diabeetus from this horrible excuse for an adult beverage.

First of all, whoever made up this game needs to get jabbed in the throat because it's just flat out dumb. “Hey, here's a malt beverage almost nobody likes...and you have to drink the whole thing on one knee.” “Umm, dude, that sounds really fucking stupid...why?” “BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO AND IF YOU DON'T, EVERYONE WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR BEING A BITCH WHO DOESN'T LIKE CHICK DRINKS!” “Yeah, man...I'll pass. Have fun with that, though.”

Second of all, if anyone is ever thinking it would be a fun idea to try this to me, I would advise you to think twice. I will have one of the following reactions to an “icing” attempt:

1. Following in the footsteps of Daniel Tosh, I would find the nearest hard surface, most likely a counter top of some kind, Happy Gilmore the fuck out of the bottle and brandish it wildly until I hit skin, preferably the tiny bit covering one of your major arteries. Next time you'll know better.
2. If I'm not feeling particularly homicidal, I would simply say “Yeah, no thanks...that game is fucking lame” and walk away.

“Icing” is stupid. Please, for the love of all things sacred, let this frat game die. Don't let them win...remember kids, whenever you fall victim to a fratty game, Chad Kroeger makes more money, and therefore thinks he needs to release more shitty music. Think of the children, please.

Bathroom Etiquette

Sorry, ladies...this section is aimed more toward the men in the audience as I know nothing of bathroom etiquette in the ladies side of the crowd. Although it may humor you to hear the lengths we as a species go to avoid another penis, so by all means, read on.

A little background information: the bathroom at my workplace has three urinals and six stalls. Clearly, there's a lot of shitting going on at work, especially since most of the time nearly all the stalls are fully occupied. Since work's version of TP has a similar feeling to a heavy gritted sandpaper, I try to do most of my business at home and stick to a strict #1 only policy at the office. With this being the case, I pay a lot of attention to proper bathroom etiquette when it comes to the urinals. A few days ago, I walked into the bathroom, business as usual, and noticed the only person at the urinal station was occupying the middle position. I did not notice anyone leaving as I was entering, so I came to the conclusion this person must have chosen the middle position of his own accord. Later that same day as I was washing up from another successful visit, someone else was faced with an empty trio of urinals. He chose the middle position again. This is highly unacceptable in all social groups and settings, therefore I felt like questioning this person at length to see why he was blatantly breaking the most basic of bathroom rules.

As a measure of transparency, here are the rules as I understand them when it comes to bathroom etiquette for those who are unaware:

When confronted with an odd number of urinal stations:
-Always leave one station between you and another patron.
-If, for example, there are three stations and the outer two are occupied, use the nearest stall. If a stall is unavailable, wait until one of the outer stations or a stall is available.

When confronted with an even number of urinal stations:
-If there are two and no suitable divider is installed, same rules apply as above.
-If there are two and there is a suitable divider, both may be used freely.
-If there are four or more, leave a gap or use a stall.

The only times when it is acceptable to use all available stalls/troughs in the bathroom:
-Sporting events
-Bars

So once I saw the blatant disregard for the rules, all I wanted to do was take that fucker by the back of the neck and slam his head into the wall in front of him, all while screaming “see! You see the consequences of fucking with the rules!? Next time you'll know better, you fucking prick.” I think I may have some anger issues to work on...

British Cars

Today when I was walking back from the gym, I noticed that most British cars are stick shift, which makes them inherently better than their American counterparts. I'm not sure what brought on my curiosity, but it did not prevent me from being a huge creeper and peering into every car I passed like George McFly just to check out the gear shaft. Turns out, the winner is stick shift by a wide margin, which means British people are just flat out better drivers than Americans. Here's a short social survey you can put out there: ask your American family, friends, co-workers, etc. if they know how to drive a manual car and most of them will give a look like you just finger blasted their pet. “Why would I need to drive a manual car when they have perfectly good ones that do all that shifty stuff for you?” Just seems like more work...and we all know how much Americans love their extra work.

Now, for the few of you who may know any Brits/Europeans, go ahead and ask them the same question. They will most likely look at you like you're an idiot because to them, who doesn't know how to drive a manual car? In this respect, Britons and Europeans have a huge advantage over Americans because stick shift kicks fucking ass to drive. You can literally beat the ever-living shit out of a manual vehicle and it will come back with blood on its mouth begging for more. How do I know this, you ask? You'd never guess, but I used to own a manual car and even though it was a pussy four cylinder Chevy Cavalier, it still had more balls than any car I've owned since. I can't tell you how many times I've peeled out of some floozy's driveway going 40 in 2nd gear and then slapping it right into 4th while cracking 70 in about two seconds. It gives me wood just thinking about it...

The Warm Beer Phenomenon

As many of you know, I was back in the States a few weeks ago and the question I got most, other than “what the fuck are you doing here?” was some derivative of “how's the warm beer over there?”

Now, I'm not disputing the fact that there may be warm beer somewhere in the UK/Europe, but I have yet to encounter it. I've been to my fair share of pubs/bars/clubs and not one had beer that was supposed to be served warm. The closest thing you'll get to that might be a cast beer, but that's just a beer with less carbonation and might be a little warmer than ice cold. I'm really not sure where the rumor started or how it did, but unless I'm going to the wrong places, it holds little merit.

One item of interest regarding warm beverages though: ice is a little used commodity in the UK. The reasoning is simple, really. The less ice you have, the more beverage in your glass. In a country where free refills are few and far between, more of a room temperature beverage is better than less of a cold beverage. I can definitely get behind the minimal ice custom if it means not paying for another drink. Sure, call me cheap...but those fuckers add up, especially when you're on a limited budget.

Well, that's all for now...as usual, any questions – leave them in the comments and I'll answer them when I have a chance. Thanks for reading...