Rules Don't Apply to Bicyclists

Okay, we're starting this way off topic, but my elation was just at a daily high and then squashed in the span of three minutes. What I was going to start this entry with was something along the lines of: “in this moment of time, for me, there are few things that make me happier than walking into a roommate-less flat.” For approximately three to four minutes, I was bouncing up and down on the balls of my feet like a spastic rapper at the thought that right now I am alone in this residence. Sweet, intoxicating solitude...but alas, it was not to last. Not ten seconds after I sit down to write this entry, one of the roommates struts in to ruin my happiness. Oh well...there's always hope for tomorrow.

Now, on to the meat of this entry: I hate bicyclists. I'm not exactly sure where I first heard this little anecdote, and I'm probably totally butchering it (I'm para-phrasing, here), but here it is: in regards to usage of roads and sidewalks, motorists hate pedestrians, pedestrians hate motorists, but fucking everybody hates bicyclists. If anyone knows exactly where this came from, let me know so I can properly credit this person/entity.

Anyway, from what I can tell, the rules do not apply to bicyclists in London. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I know anything about bicycle laws in this city or country. However, I'm pretty sure there are rules about running red lights, cycling in the middle of the road, cycling on the sidewalk, going down the wrong way of a one-way street, etc. I have seen each and every one of these instances on a daily basis on my walk to or home from work. I only know one person who cycles on a regular basis (I'm not sure he reads this, but I'm calling you out, Smitty), and I don't know if he follows the rules of the bicycle code, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Aside from the aforementioned friend of mine: fuck you, bicyclists...fuck you.

As with everything that happens on this page, a story prompted this entry. So here it is: while walking back from the gym tonight, I find my normal path through the graveyard has been closed off (early, I might add – you fuckers) so I end up taking the alternate route. As I'm crossing the street in a heavily construction affected area, I'm nearly completely decimated by some fuck-face cyclist. Now, here's where I would normally say “it totally wasn't my fault; that guy's a prick,” but I'm not going to say it. I might be completely at fault here, I don't know. I had my ear-phones in and turned up to “I'm definitely going to be deaf later in life” volume so I probably didn't hear his stupid fucking bell that all riders have (I'm so jealous though...I want one for walking so people get out of my damn way) to warn pedestrians they're about to fuck their world up. Also, I failed to look to my right to check for on-coming traffic because I was lazy and stupid. Basically, if this guy would have plowed his bike into me, I pretty much deserved it.

At this point you should be asking yourself one question: why is this guy a fuck-face? The answer, dear reader is the same reason why I'm taking partial blame here: I don't know the rules for cyclists, so I just assume he was breaking them. Here are the facts: I could be (read: probably) wrong, but last I checked, you're not allowed to drive the wrong way down a one-way street right in the middle of the fucker. Maybe cyclists are immune to that little-known rule. Also, after he nearly took my leg off with his front fender, he did not stop and say anything...nothing at all. If it were me on the cycle, I believe I would have stopped and apologized profusely even if it were not my fault. The least I would do is stop to make sure the person is okay and not having a fucking heart attack from their brush with near death. Not only did this guy not stop and see if I was mid-coronary, but he flipped me the bird while simultaneously pointing to his head profusely as if to say “get the fuck out of my way you dumb-shit pedestrian. I'm on a bike, you should know better than to get in my way because I ALWAYS have right of way.” At least that's what he said in my head. It may not have even been the middle finger...he could have just been pointing to his ear implying that I shouldn't listen to my music so loud or I could get destroyed by a cyclist. I don't care, I prefer the former. He's a dick.

However, after I got over my near bone-crippling encounter, I starting thinking about how awesome it would be if I was actually hit by that guy. I have nineteen days left on this continent and have yet to be injured in a way that would require a hospital visit. With less than three weeks left, it would be sweet, pure hilarity that I would probably, at the very least, have a broken bone or two after making it through the year relatively in-tact. I can see the headline now:

Stupid American forced revered British citizen to hit him with his bicycle. The cyclist is alive and well; we think the American is still in the road somewhere.

Okay, that's a long headline, but can't you just see it? I can...

Anyway, I'm done with the cyclist. I don't like him, he doesn't like me...but I'm pretty sure neither of us know the actual laws of cycling.

Side note: I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but have you ever noticed people with baby strollers can do whatever the fuck they want with no repercussions? Next time you're around someone with a stroller, pay attention to what they do and how little regard they have for others around them. I've seen this phenomenon in three separate countries, so you can't tell me it's just an American or British thing. The only example I have right now is what happened after that dick on the bike almost shattered my pelvis. Going down yet another construction riddled road (they're getting ready for the Olympics, so I'll allow it), a woman with a stroller and two kids in tow sees me coming up a very narrow sidewalk and busts it in there right before I get to her sidewalk entrance point. The next fifty feet are spent weaving back and forth looking for an opening like the driving scene with Borat and Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights. Zero regard for strangers...because she has a stroller. Seriously – next time you're around someone with a stroller, pay attention. I promise you won't be disappointed.

As always, questions/comments – you know what to do. I have seriously been lacking in responding, so my apologies. I promise I'll do better.