If You're Going to Read This, Don't Bother

Let me start by saying I'm not sure where this will end. I don't have a real topic, I just feel like writing...so here goes. Unfortunately, the fact that I feel like writing does not mean I feel like writing the bullshit essay I have due for pretend school in a few days, it just means I'm going to ramble for what will probably seem like an eternity. Also, instead of taking a snapshot of my brain and splattering it on this computer screen, I probably should be sleeping, or at least attempting to sleep. However, that's the thing about sleep or at least pretending to sleep: when you have an endless supply of questions with no answers and scenarios with no resolutions gunning through your head at a thousand miles an hour on a daily basis, sleep is nearly impossible. In fact, I can pinpoint down to the exact week the last time I slept through the night with zero interruptions...and the only reason I did is because I was so exhausted it would have taken a marching band playing at full volume in my room to keep me awake for more than five seconds after hitting the bed.

I'm not sure this entry will ever see the light of day (let's face it...you're goddamn right I'm gonna post it, but let me just pretend for a moment) and I'm fairly certain it will have a bit of a different feel since I'm not in a very “humorous” mood...if what I normally write can be considered humorous in the first place. Basically, this post exists just so I can try and sleep tonight because I'm tired of thinking about things that I've spent the last month talking about and beating to death a few dozen times. Maybe if I get it out on paper it will help clear the cobwebs...but I highly doubt it. Also, there are only so many times you can repeat the same things to the same people before it gets to the point where they will literally choose razorblades to the eyeballs as a preferred activity to speaking to you about so-called problems. So, instead of torturing them with the same issue I've been wrestling with for far too fucking long, you get to hear it instead. How lucky for you!

The specific situation at hand is one which a multitude of people would probably kill to have and really wouldn't consider it a situation or problem at all. In fact, if this same scenario were proposed to any of a few million people who fit a certain demographic, they would probably karate chop my groinal area for even considering it a problem, let alone having to think about it or to even potentially turning it down. I think I've strung this along as far as possible, so without much further ado, the “problem” I have is introduced as follows: I have been offered a permanent position at UBS in London, UK by my direct line manager.

Yes, yes...I know, please refrain from the curses and childish name calling...like I stated above, any person in their right mind would not hesitate to accept straight away...but there are so many aspects to consider prior to actually accepting, which we'll get to in the tenth or eleventh page of this post, but for now, I suppose I should give some details on how this happened. A few weeks ago, the boss and I were having a fairly generic, casual conversation about the specifics on how I was hired in at UBS in the first place when out of nowhere she asks what I plan on doing when my year is completed in the UK. I have thought for some time that a permanent position might be offered at one point or another, but never really seriously considered it. Everything I had heard from previous interns made it fairly obvious it wasn't really that reasonable to expect, especially given the status of the bank and visa considerations. However, I had given it some vague thought just for the “what if” factor, and for a long time, I never thought I could actually go through with it for a multitude of reasons, the biggest being I wasn't sure I could handle living in a foreign country for an extended period of time or in this case, indefinitely. My response to her question of my future plans was probably typical of any other intern: potentially looking for jobs in a major city in the US, a la New York, Chicago, and/or San Francisco. Then she dropped the bomb: would I consider staying in London once the year was up? She's a tricky one to read and therefore I don't usually attempt as it can sometimes go horribly wrong, especially in a work situation, so direct questions usually work best. Can I consider this an offer? Deadpan – straight in the eye – yes.

Fuck.

Like I said, she's a tricky one...and totally caught me off guard. I told her I'll have to think about it and will let her know when I can. She says she wants to know by the end of the week...this is a Tuesday...not a lot of time to consider, right? Turns out there is a very good reason for the hurry. Fast forward to Friday, the boss brings the whole team into an impromptu meeting in which she informs us she is resigning in three weeks to travel for about six months with the husband. Ahh...now it all is starting to make sense...cobwebs from the last 3 days are starting to clear out...the timing sucks and is very hurried, but I now get it.

So here I am: over the last few weeks I've told a few people from the States and have spoken to some extensively about this as well as quite a few people here, including my entire team. The consensus: while there has been some hesitation from a few from home, and rightly so, I would be a fucking idiot to turn this down. I like to think I'm not an idiot...so for now I'm going to take this like a normal person would take a new relationship...very slowly. I'm not committing to a damn thing without numbers in front of me coupled with a hard offer. Let's take this to the next step: yes, I am interested, so formulate a formal offer and we'll see how it looks and take it from there. So, that being the case, I have a one-to-one meeting with the executive director of my team (he's kind of a big deal) to determine what the next steps will be and what I can expect over the coming months.

Now, the specific issues at hand:

1. Can I live on my own in a city of six million plus people in a foreign country knowing only a handful of people within my work and only a few that will be staying after the program year ends?

Yes. No issues here...I think we're all familiar with my outlook on other people (not that big a fan), so it's really not an issue. I am completely fine with retreating back to my hermit ways as long as I have a room to myself. I will know enough people where if I want to head out on the town, I can with little issue. But if I don't want to go out? Nobody will be pressuring me to cross my self-imposed boundaries.

2. Can I be thousands of miles away from family and friends from home for an indefinite period of time?

Here's where it starts getting tricky. Indefinite? No...fuck no. A defined period of time is entirely different. A few more years would certainly be manageable, but any longer and I'm not convinced I would be able to handle it. Most of you know my family is much more than just a word to me. As much as I can sometimes be annoyed by the little things that go along with the family experience, I couldn't ask for or create a better family situation. I'll be a little sentimental here and say I consider myself infinitely lucky to be a part of the family I have (I know...most people say the same, but this is my blog, dammit...and my family is so much better than yours because I said so...deal with it).

On one hand, my parents have never been anything less than 100% supportive of anything I decided I wanted to try as a profession or hobby. Normally this wouldn't be that big of a stretch for parents, but some of my choices have been questionable at best: musician and professional poker player are two of the more radical choices I've made in the past. Regardless of the potential stigma, they were beyond supportive of my decisions and proved it by purchasing guitars, amps, microphones, PA equipment, personally booking shows for the band, providing a space to practice, teaching me card games, talking strategy, talking over bad beats, talking me off the ledge when losing significant amounts of money, etc. I'm lucky...and I know it...and I'm extremely thankful...and I definitely don't express it enough.

On the other hand, my brothers are not just my brothers, they're my best friends as well. I don't know what I would do without their unwavering support and everything they've done for me as long as I can remember. They have been my band-mates, my sounding boards, my poker buddies, my crying posts, and everything in-between. A person could not ask for a better family...and I cannot be convinced otherwise. Like I said...I'm lucky...and I know it. Being away from my family would be one of the most difficult parts of staying here if it came down to it.

As far as friends from home are concerned, I've said this a few times to quite a few people, but if there's one thing I've learned over the last seven months, it's now much easier to determine who my friends are. I have made myself infinitely accessible for any and every person to contact me from the town where I used to store all my shit and there are few who have taken the initiative in keeping in contact. There are only so many times you can send messages via myriads of platforms with no response before you give up. I realize people are busy...I'm exhaustively busy myself...but it is quite evident there are certain people who make an effort over those who don't. Before you go and throw a pity party for me, know that it doesn't bother me in the least, I just have a better understanding on who I can count on and who I can't.

3. There isn't really a 3 – I went over the biggies...the only other stuff is trivial such as where to live, how much money I'll make, etc. Essentially it comes down to one thing: is it acceptable to be selfish to improve my professional situation when personal situations will suffer because of it? I don't know the answer to this question. A few months ago I had a pretty good idea what I was going to do when I was done over here...but even the best made plans can be thrown into disarray when the circumstances change. As of now, it's a wait and see game...wait until the meeting with the ED and see what he says can happen. Unfortunately, I won't have any answers for myself or anyone else until after that meeting regardless of how much I want them. I would kill for a preview of my future to see which way I should go, but unfortunately life doesn't quite work that way. One thing I can say for sure is it's gonna be an interesting ride...

As always, any comments or questions are encouraged and I'll do my best to respond. Also, my apologies for boring you if you actually got this far down...I promise I'll try to make the next post a little more cheerful...