Anyone Have a Rusty Screwdriver?

OK...this has gone on far enough. I was going to let it go and it was never really my intention to write about this because I wasn't entirely sure I could write an entire post on this tiny, insignificant subject, but it has gotten to the point where I believe it's necessary. Plus I haven't written in a while and the words have been getting stuck in my head and keeping me awake, so I need a purge. Deal with it. Here's a small disclaimer: if this post relates to you or your behavior – I'm not necessarily calling you out...but you might consider changing this specific trait because it's fucking annoying. FYI.

On to the meat of the subject. What I'm referring to is the unnecessary addition of letters to the end of words, most specifically used on Facebook and generally only done by the female population. I'll give you an example I just made up because I can't find a specific one on my page right now since I probably deleted most people who display this horrific behavior (don't worry, I'm not a big enough asshole to actually call anyone out in particular):

Random girl: Ohhh myyy Godddd....texxxxxttttt meeeee!!!! (just typing that out almost made me throw up in my mouth a little bit)

Not the best example, but I'm fairly certain you know what I mean. Chances are, unless you either don't have Facebook or you're only friends with people like me, you've seen an example of the above tragic murdering of the English language. I would say this is similar to those who actually use the term “LOL” in real, live, everyday conversation and are being completely serious (“real, live” meaning non-text, face to face interaction). I will steal a line from my favorite TV show (Californication...if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it) in regards to the “LOL” comment in which the lead character says “Every time you use the term “LOL,” you're contributing to the death of the English language.” OK, so that might not be the exact quote, but it's close...plus almost nobody who reads this will know the difference (except maybe one, you know who you are).

I used a lot of parentheses in that last paragraph (sorry), but back on the subject. I don't know how this started or why it took off like it did, but before I purged my Facebook friend list of those people I don't really know or don't care to ever talk to, my page was inundated with examples of the above behavior. Every time I saw it, I wanted to rip my eyes out with a rusty screwdriver and throw them at the computer screen while screaming curses from the bottom of my lungs (why is it “screaming at the top of my lungs?” I would think a scream from the bottom of my lungs would have better legs than one from the top, ya know?). A while ago, I had this “friend” (well, I wouldn't say friend exactly, but for lack of a better term and to keep this PG-13, I suppose friend will have to do) who used my computer to check her Facebook page and wrote a post using the aforementioned excess characters, to which I asked why she adds them. Her answer? “I don't know...I just do.” Really? That's it? You don't know why? Doesn't seem like a very good answer to me. However, I would imagine that's probably the answer you would get most often when confronting those who make me want to pull an American Psycho and smash them in the face with an ax, a la Jared Leto. What's the purpose? What's the meaning? Why? This is what keeps me up at night (well, not really, but you get the point). Why purposefully make yourself sound even more stupid than you already do with the misuse of grammar, punctuation, and addition of excess letters? My writing is not free of errors, and I use unnecessary ellipses a lot, but I spell-check, re-read my work, and try my best to make sure as many are caught as possible before publishing anything. I'm getting on a soap box here, so I should stop before I get too deep into the preaching.

Speaking of people sounding stupid, another one of those “I don't understand” things is the misuse of “they're,” “their,” “there,” “your,” and “you're.” I'll keep this section brief because if I get too far in, I might have a brain aneurism. I'm not going to educate you on when to use which because a quick Google search will tell you all you need to know and more on that subject. What I am going to do is beg, plead, bribe, or even ask you nicely to do the said Google search and start using them correctly before I quietly go insane with unchecked fury. This is quite possibly the most commonly used and easiest grammar mistake to correct, and yet so many people are OK with living their lives sounding like a complete idiot to the majority of people who have the 15 brain cells required to use the above words correctly.

As I've previously stated, my writing is probably riddled with errors, so I'm not counting myself out of the idiot majority, but I attempt to fix it as much as I can before anyone reads it but me. However, you will NEVER see me post anything related to the excess character phenomenon, and will probably never see me use any derivative of “their” or “your” incorrectly. I've been considering getting rid of Facebook altogether lately, but whenever I see anything such as the above on my page, I immediately consider deleting the offending party so I never have to see them do it again. I can count on one hand those who are still my friends on that site who perform the said actions...if you're one of them and are reading this, beware – your days may be numbered.

There's that soap box again...dammit! In closing, I have a request: if you are one of those people that make me silently whisper death threats over a broadband connection, can you tell me why you do it? Why do you add the extra letters? What is the purpose? Peer pressure? Do you have a key stuck and your delete button is broken? Give me a good reason and I promise I'll shut up about it (actually, I won't, but I'll at least hear you out). Post a comment here or on the inevitable Facebook post and tell me why. I'm so curious it's bordering on insanity...maybe a little extreme, but what can I say? I enjoy reading anything that is well-written and as close to error free as possible. Maybe not anything, but I think you know what I mean.

I think that's about all I have to say on the subject, even though writing it out really didn't help with the slow boil of rage I feel whenever I think about having to read another post written by a 20 something female masquerading as a 12 year old girl. I suppose I'll just have to deal with the reality that I'm in the minority here and this behavior is probably here to stay. I will have my say about it though... (shit, there goes the damn ellipses again).

As always, if anyone has any specific questions, just post a comment and I'll do my best to answer.