Must be Nice to be a Royal

Have you ever wanted to live in a castle? Here's an easy way to achieve that goal: marry a member of the Royal family. Scratch that, have you ever wanted to have a castle as a vacation house? Now you can marry a member of the Royal family and that dream will be a reality.

Yesterday I went to Windsor to check out Windsor Castle, which is the vacation house of the Royal family and has been for the last 900 years. Some people have time shares in Florida, others own a cottage in Michigan or Colorado for skiing or just to get away from their lives for a weekend every once in a while, and others still have entirely separate families living on both coasts, but unless you're disgustingly, filthy rich, you don't have a castle as your vacation house. By all accounts, the Royal family is rich, but from what I've heard from co-workers, they shouldn't be classified as “disgustingly, filthy rich.” How much money are they worth? I've heard somewhere around three hundred million for the entire family, which yes, sounds like a lot, but that amount of money could potentially be blown in a lifetime. Do you think Bill Gates or Steve Jobs could spend their fortune in their lifetimes? Even if they gave it a good, solid try, I don't think anyone could throw away a few billion like a trailer-trash lottery winner would with a few million.

Granted, my “facts” about the Royal family are not backed up by any real research, just by hearsay coming from co-workers, but they've lived here their entire life and probably know what they're talking about. My question is this: is the three hundred mill their entire net worth including houses and possessions (including all the priceless paintings, tapestries, rugs, china sets, and other furniture/furnishings) that were either bought or stolen over the last few centuries? I read yesterday there are 600 rooms in Buckingham Palace and after my visit a few months ago, I can say with first-hand knowledge that each room is packed to the brim with enough artwork to sustain any person for a lifetime if it were sold (save for that trailer-trash lotto winner, of course), let alone all the other stuff in each room that is worth more than my life. I would guess the furnishings of the houses are not included in the net worth of the Royals just because many of the paintings and pieces of furniture are priceless and just could not have an estimated worth because they will never be for sale.

Either way, if the houses, etc. are added to the net worth of the family or not, I don't believe they are all that rich because three hundred million for a family of that stature and longevity should conceivably be worth as much or more than any individual in the world. Since they're not even billionaires, they're not in the same discussion as the Gates', Jobs', or even the Waltons. Even a low-level dumb-ass prince in Saudi is probably worth more than England's entire Royal family.

I'm getting off topic...wait – there's a topic? Yes, albeit a loose topic which seems to be jumping all over the place. The point is: it must be nice to be a Royal. I spent 15 pounds to walk around and take a tour of someone's vacation house yesterday, WITH a student discount. It just so happens that “someone” is the Queen of England. I wasn't the only one either, the place was packed with people wanting to look at all the stuff this place housed. It has to be expensive to keep it running with all the guards, employees, curators, decorators, etc. not to mention utility bills, so I understand having to charge a fee to check the place out, but the only reason people wanted to see it is because it belongs to the Royal family. Same goes for Buckingham Palace. It's only open for a few months out of the year when the Queen is out of town for official meetings, but those months where it is open to the public, a constant stream of tourists and residents ambush it and pay their money to look at stuff normally only seen in a museum behind bullet proof glass. The difference is, this stuff is actually used on a fairly regular basis, such as a solid silver tea set the Queen uses a few times a year worth a few hundred thousand pounds...would anyone else even consider using it? Highly doubtful. As one would expect, Buckingham Palace is incredibly magnificent and blows Windsor Castle out of the water in all categories. Would I pay my 15 pounds to visit again? Maybe. It's that incredible. The only reason to visit is because it's Royalty related. Would anyone want to pay that amount of money just to check out some rich guy's house? Maybe, but not the volume of people who visit Windsor and Buckingham every year.

Not only do you get to live in awesome houses and look at and own pretty much anything or everything you've ever wanted, but your job is to be Royalty. You have no other responsibility other than don't be a disgrace to the Kingdom and go to charity functions, parades, and live the life of what the public perceives Royalty to be. I know, I know – it's way more complicated than that and it's probably a very stressful life, which explains why Prince William is already going bald. However, I can't help but notice Prince Harry running amok, pretty much doing whatever he pleases with little to no repercussions simply because there is no chance in hell he's ever going to be king. Once the Queen's reign ends, normal succession would be that Prince Charles takes over the crown (even though he should take a pass and hand it down to William instead), rules for a few years, then William takes over and has a reign probably as long as Elizabeth has had. Since Harry is the wild child, he'll probably die from some freak motorcycle or hang-gliding accident and the entire country will mourn, but won't really be that upset because nobody wants him to be king anyway. The crown will then pass to William's eventual child and the country will rejoice because they all love Bill and his choice of wife. I wonder if anyone has the balls to call him Bill or if that's an acceptable nickname? I'll say I would try it, but not only would I never have the chance, I would also chicken out at the last second fearing public beheading.

Speaking of William and his inevitable children, this Royal wedding is being whored out in every direction and everyone is making a huge deal out of it. All kinds of memorabilia is being sold, such as calenders, photo books, kitchen magnets, coffee mugs (complete with photoshopped faces!), and even tea spoons. It reminds me of street vendors in NYC when it started raining heavily on a recent family vacation. The street vendors had umbrellas for sale mere seconds after it started raining trying to capitalize on the stupidity of tourists (and it worked...they made a killing that day). Same goes for souvenir shops all around England now selling all kinds of merchandise related to the Royal wedding. I'm sure it's a big deal because the future king of England is getting married, and maybe because I'm only a visitor I don't understand, but at the end of the day, it's only a wedding. We've all been to weddings...some good, some bad. Granted, this will be one of the largest and most expensive weddings in the history of the world (putting a dent in that meager three hundred million net worth), but it's still only a wedding. One item related to the wedding I am very thankful for is the extra bank holiday we get because they chose a Friday to get married. Thanks William and Kate!

Anyway, that's about all I have to say about the Royal family that won't get me thrown in jail or deported, so we'll just stop there while we're ahead (or even) and call it a day. Regardless of the amount of wealth, it probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to be English Royalty. Then again, it probably wouldn't be the best either because of the constant spotlight and criticism. They didn't ask to be born into Royalty, but then again, nobody asks to be born into their current situation, so we deal with it. But that's an entirely different topic for another day...

One last quick story before I go: While we were looking for the entrance to the castle yesterday, we went up to one of the exits where a group of guards were standing holding impressive looking guns (the first time I have seen a gun in England since not even cops carry them) and sporting angry eyebrows. As we approach, the apparent leader separates from the pack and says something along the lines of “Can I help you?” with a shit-eating grin on his face which leads me to believe he actually wanted to say “Can I fucking help you?” I can just see the wheels turning in his head as it is very obvious this guy has had a not-so-great day. “Try something...please, I'm begging you...try to make a run for it or something, I'm just itching to break somebody in half today.” Much to his dismay, we were simply asking for the way to the ticket office so we could enter the castle with no intention of being broken in half. Sorry, lead guard dude...I feel your pain, but I would rather not have you take it out on me...I just want to pay my money and go in like a regular tourist causing no trouble while I'm on your post. Feel free to exercise this frustration on someone else while I'm watching though, that would be some real entertainment and well worth the entrance fee.

Oh, one more thing (I know, annoying...): I saw the changing of the guard at Windsor yesterday and if Buckingham's is anything like this one, I'll pass. It was extraordinarily boring and would really be awful if that was my job and I had to do this everyday while people were watching and taking pictures. OK, I'm done now. Until next time...