I really should be at the gym right now, but my injured back will not allow me to do what I normally would, so instead of going to the gym and risk further injury, I'll write about it and all the d-bags that go there to do whatever it is they do.
I like the list thing, so let's do that again, OK? Good...you're so agreeable. Top however many things I feel like writing about that annoy the piss out of me at the gym:
1. Nobody gives a fuck about your muscles.
Let me say that again so it sinks in: nobody gives a fuck about your muscles. Nobody except you and potentially anything/anyone you're having consensual sex with, and they don't really care that much. Since nobody cares about your muscles but you, please, for the love of Chris (remember kids, Chris died for your sins...), PLEASE stop flexing in the mirror right after you do a set of whatever exercise you're doing. It makes you look stupid and everyone is making fun of you in their head. This is especially true of the gigantic asshat that does a set of situps and then “wipes his mouth” with the bottom of the t-shirt he's wearing so he can check out his sweet abs in the mirror. It just so happens the t-shirt gets stuck in his mouth while he coincidentally flexes his aforementioned sweet abs. I say again...nobody cares. Also, nobody ever will. If you want to check yourself out, do it like everyone else does and flex to yourself in your bathroom mirror. Obviously the entire reason for working out is to improve the way you look, add a few percentage points to your chances of getting laid, get rid of those man tits, or take a little off the spare tire. However, just like beating off, flexing should be done in the privacy of your own home and should be considered a one person activity.
2. It's not a social club. If you're there, do something, don't walk around aimlessly.
I've been going to the same gym for about 5 months now, and after a while people obviously start to look familiar and their routines are noticed as well. A few months ago, I noticed one kid who never seemed to be doing anything but walk around smiling like he just took a real shit after being constipated for the last 3 weeks. Once while I was doing random activities in a stationary spot, I actually tracked this kid for a solid 20 minutes and all he did was walk laps around the machines while holding a towel and a half empty water bottle. Back and forth...back and forth...kind of like he was scanning a crowd to see if he noticed his buddy waving his hand like a maniac. Or like he was a serial killer quietly scoping out his next kill and we were all none the wiser. Actually, now that I think about it, that might not be too far off...this kid is pretty creepy. It got to the point where whenever he walked past me I got distracted and really annoyed, which made me lose my count and I had to start all over again. I just want to know why he's doing it. Why isn't he doing anything? Why is he just walking around like he's waiting for a machine or a bench to open up when there are plenty available? I need answers! Or maybe I don't...I just want answers.
3. Do everyone a favor and leave your phone at home. You can be unreachable for 2 hours and be OK.
I'm probably alone in this opinion, but I always leave my phone at home while I'm at the gym for several reasons. It's distracting, it's another thing to keep track of, another thing to potentially get stolen, and it's nice to be free from being constantly contactable. During the time I'm there, not a single person knows my exact location except the people who are in the same building and for some reason, that's comforting. Others that are members at my gym are not of the same opinion. Everywhere I look there are people clutching multiple cell phones as well as their iPod or other music playing device. Obviously if your phone is your music playing device, this doesn't exactly apply to you, but in that case, I would either turn the service or the ringer off while I was there. Again – probably not a popular opinion. One person I can think of in particular has two phones and an iPod with him and routinely answers both phones while on the treadmill or elliptical machine, jumps off, has his conversation, then jumps back on the machine. Really? Was it that important where it couldn't wait? I highly doubt it. I'm of the opinion if something is an emergency right now, it still will be in an hour when I get back to my phone. Plus it gives you time to work the problem out on your own without my help, so in reality, by me leaving my phone at home during workout time, I'm helping you become a better, more self-reliant person. You're welcome.
4. If the weight is too heavy for you to do a proper, complete rep, take some weight off the bar, jackass.
You might think it looks cool if you can bench or squat a ton, but if you only do a third of a rep or your spotter is doing most of the work, you look like a complete idiot. Is it better to do less weight and lift properly or look like you can lift a lot and potentially injure yourself because you're going above your strength (or is it strempth)? Easy game, dumb ass: take some weight off and do it right. Or don't and I'll continue to ridicule you in my head while secretly hoping you break your ass when you can't handle the weight. Another fun game is when people pile on a weight they are actually able to do, but is closer to the heavy end and can't do a full set on their “warm ups” because they want to look cool. I witnessed one guy doing bicep curls with 25 kilo plates on the bar and his spotter should have counted it as a set of triceps pushes for himself. This was his first set. Nobody thinks you look cool except you. You look dumb.
Those are really the biggies, there isn't much else that isn't obvious such as machine/bench/rack stealers, people who collect dumbbells they've used and refuse to re-rack them correctly or even at all, people who cut in line for the water fountain, people who take forever to do their sets, and people who just sit and watch you while you're finishing up so they can hoard the bench or rack when just as you're done with it. Oh, and the people who have the new year's resolution to finally get off their ass and do something really need to give up already. It's annoying...we all know you're going to give up, so just do it already and leave me in peace.
On second thought, back injury be damned, I should have gone to the gym to get rid of some of this pent up aggression. Oh well...till next time.
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